The Art of Effective Communication

Today is an important Sunday in the Christian year, it’s Pentecost, which is the Sunday the church remembers how the Holy Spirit came upon the first disciples of Jesus while they were worshiping and praying together in Jerusalem as Jesus had told them . This is how Acts 2:1-13 describes what happened: “When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. 2 And suddenly from heaven there came a sound like the rush of a violent wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. 3 Divided tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them. 4 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other languages, as the Spirit gave them ability.

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May 24, 2015
Acts 2:1-13, The Art of Effective Communication
Pastor Doug Scalise, Brewster Baptist Church

5 Now there were devout Jews from every nation under heaven living in Jerusalem. 6 And at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each. 7 Amazed and astonished, they asked, “Are not all these who are speaking Galileans? 8 And how is it that we hear, each of us, in our own native language? 9 Parthians, Medes, Elamites, and residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, 10 Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya belonging to Cyrene, and visitors from Rome, both Jews and proselytes, 11 Cretans and Arabs—in our own languages we hear them speaking about God’s deeds of power.” 12 All were amazed and perplexed, saying to one another, “What does this mean?” 13 But others sneered and said, “They are filled with new wine.”

I want to highlight the communication that takes place in these verses. If you listened carefully or if you look in your Bible you notice the emphasis on speaking and hearing. As the disciples were filled with the Holy Spirit on Pentecost they were given the ability to speak in the native languages of all the people who were in Jerusalem that day. It was like there was spontaneous translation available for everyone no matter where they were from. The crowd is shocked that people from Galilee are able to speak so many other languages and that listening they can hear the disciples talking about God’s deeds of power in the language of their own people. Everyone is amazed and wants to know what’s going on? In a sense this is a story about speaking and listening; two things most of us do every day. You’d think since we do so much speaking, listening, and communicating that we’d be really good at it – especially if you added up all the time you spend communicating in person, on the phone, via text, email, Facebook, Skype, – I think some people would be stunned if we added up all the time we spend communicating. If anything in life conveys the truth that it’s not practice that makes perfect, it’s perfect practice that makes perfect, it is communication.

Many of us are familiar with an ad campaign for a cell phone company that repeatedly used the phrase, “Can you hear me now?” The truth is we can hear the words that a person is saying, but we can still completely miss the meaning. One of the best illustrations of this is a routine by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello about the names of the players on a baseball team. Show Video Clip of Abbott and Costello, “Who’s on First?”

When you saw the title, “The Art of Effective Communication,” what did you think the sermon would be about? What do you think of first when you hear or see the words, “The Art of Effective Communication?” Was your first response to picture someone speaking, listening, engaged in conversation or something else? If I had to sum up a goal for effective communication it would be this: (on screen 1) Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to talk to you. As with all the elements of Healthy Relationships that we’re discussing in this series, I have lots of room to grow in them myself, so everything I say I share as a fellow pilgrim seeking to improve just as we all are. I believe most people have a natural inclination to speaking or listening; for some of us speaking comes easily and it’s learning to listen that is the challenge. For others, listening is easier than speaking and communicating our own ideas, needs, or feelings. I know I’m much better at speaking than listening and I’d guess most of us know which one we are better at. Along with our temperament or natural inclination, the family we grow up in also influences how well we speak or listen. I grew up in a family with more speakers than listeners. Sitting with my sisters at the children’s table on holidays when I was kid, we only got one chance to have everyone’s attention and tell them what was new so I would be thinking about what I was going to say and how I would say it and how quickly I would say it because if you’d slowed down to do something inconvenient, like breathing, someone else would talk and that was it. You were done. You’d lost the floor. I’m still not as good a listener as I should be, but Jill, who is an excellent listener, has really helped me in this regard. And she’s patient with me as I seek to do better. Listening well is vitally important to healthy relationships and effective communication.

Rev. Vincent Fasano shared with me a piece he wrote about Attitudes we usually have in listening to another, Attitudes that aren’t helpful: We listen to classify what is being said and to label it. In the scriptures the people say, “Are not all these who are speaking Galileans?” For most of them, that was a way of labeling the disciples, “Aren’t these all country bumpkins from up north?” We no longer listen to a person when we see only a “type” and “you know how they are.”

We listen, waiting with a compulsion to impose upon the speaker a detailed account of our own personal experience. So when someone tells us about an awful experience they’ve been through or going through, we say, “Oh yeah, I went through someone like that only worse, this is what happened to me….”

We listen with judgment on what is being revealed, comparing our own standards of values with the one who is speaking. This mostly seals off any real understanding of the speaker by the listener. I experience this in preaching all the time. People will tell me they like the sermon if what I say confirms or lines up with what they already believe. If I say something that doesn’t line up with their perspective or values then they don’t like it. Whether it is a one on one conversation or a sermon, if we want to understand the speaker we need to let go of judging and truly open ourselves to listen with the possibility we may be changed by what we hear.

We listen with many unconscious feelings that we don’t realize color everything the speaker says: our own unfaced fears, our own evaded decisions, our own repressed longings, and our own hidden aspirations. Again, in the scripture on Pentecost, there are those who, in hearing about God’s deeds of power, dismiss the message of the disciples by saying, “They’re drunk.”

(on screen) Theologian Paul Tillich wrote, “The first duty of love is to listen.” To get to know someone and to love someone we need to listen to them, we need to actively and attentively pay attention to them. I came across a helpful list of skills for Active Listening that I want to share with you: (on screen) John Gottman’s 10 Skills for Active Listening

1. Focus on being interested, not interesting. (listen with openness, acceptance, and positive interest. Listening is not about us!)
2. Start by asking questions – questions are like keys that open doors. Our summer series in July and August is going to be Questions Jesus Asked. Jesus frequently asks questions, listens to the reply and then responds brilliantly. At the end of speaking, he will often say (Matthew 11:15, 13:9, etc.), “Let anyone with ears listen!”
3. Look for commonalities (in what the person is saying) “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” –Bryant H. McGill).“
4. Tune in with all your attention (this is hard for some of us. When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” –Ernest Hemingway
5. Communicate you are listening with a nod/sound. (show that you are listening) “If you make listening and observation your occupation, you will gain much more than you can by talk.” –Robert Baden-Powell
6. Paraphrase what the speaker says. (re-state it to make sure you’re hearing correctly). “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Steven Covey
7. Validate the speaker’s emotions (affirm what she or he is feeling. Listen for the feeling behind the words). .“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer.” –Ed Cunningham
8. Maintain eye contact. (eye contact is a strong form of communicating, both speaking and listening) .“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said” –Peter Drucker
9. Let go of your own agenda. (don’t be planning your response, thinking about what you’re going to say when it’s your turn, thinking about how stupid or wrong the other person is, let go of all that and focus. “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” –Doug Larson
10. Turn off the TV and put away or put down your phone, tablet, etc. .”You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” –M. Scott Peck .“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” –Karl A. Menniger
11. Scott Peck, in his book, The Road Less Traveled, writes, “The principle form that the work of love takes is attention. Attention is an act of will. By far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening.” Reflective listening in which we demonstrate that we are hearing both the content and the feelings that the other person is expressing is the key to the art of effective communication.

Many people if they think of Pentecost recall the disciples speaking in other languages, but what was really important was all the people hearing about God’s deeds of power in language they could understand. Diogenes, a Greek philosopher in the 4^th century B.C. stated, “We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less.” If there’s one skill that we can all improve to become better disciples, family members, friends, and human beings, it’s listening. When we talk we’re only repeating what we already know. But if we listen we may learn something new. Listening with your full attention is a gift you give to those around you. David Augsburger said, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to talk to you.

 

Questions for Discussion or Reflection

When you saw the phrase, “The Art of Effective Communication,” what did you think the sermon would be about? What do you think of first when you hear or see the words, “The Art of Effective Communication.” Was your first response to picture someone speaking, listening, engaged in dialogue or conversation or something else?

If you had to choose, would you say you’re better at speaking or listening? Why do you think that? Do you think other people would agree with you?

 

Which do you find comes easier for you – speaking or listening? Why do you think that is the case?

 

If you had to choose, would you say that speaking or listening is more important to effective communication?

 

 

Theologian Paul Tillich wrote, “The first duty of love is to listen.” Why do you think he said that?

 

Management expert Peter Drucker stated, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” What do you think he meant?

 

What can you do to become a more effective communicator? Seek to identify at least one change can you make in how you listen and how you speak that would help you to be better understood and to understand others better.